Friday, October 7, 2011
At heart, still a little girl.
Marriage is tough and it begins with the wedding. I think it’s a test. If you can get to the big day without breaking up then you have earned your way into a marriage. My goodness this time has been trying. Last night we prayed together before bed and, aside thanking God for all the beautiful things he has blessed us with, we (tearfully) begged for a break. It’s exhausting. I, now, know why people take a honeymoon. Too bad that’s not in our stars. We knew by planning a wedding during my busy season my time off would be minimal.
Today I had a quiet moment. I was playing with my hair, just running my fingers through my hair. It felt so good, like when I was a little girl and my mom would play with my hair. It’s just so soothing. I missed the simplicity, being a little girl. As I was sitting there in a daze, playing with my hair, I realized that not a lot has changed. I am still a tough cookie on the outside but vulnerable inside, except now I feel like lace inside instead of jelly.
I still need my Moms opinion and reassurance. I still want my Dad to think Im the prettiest girl he’s ever seen. I still want a boy to know what color my eyes are and know all my favorite things. A boy who thinks Im pretty without makeup and in sweats. I want a little attention now and then. To be doted on for 10 minutes or so. I want to spin in a beautiful dress. I want to guess my future and believe it’s going to be exciting and bright. I feel like Im playing house.
Today I wore this outfit my Mom bought me and I feel so girlie and pretty in it. Just like a little girl. In tights, ruffles, lace. I think as I lose more weight I will do more of this. Become a little more vulnerable. Normally I am kind of frumpy. Maybe its time for me to be pretty.
I don’t remember dreaming about my wedding as a kid. I don’t think I ever played bride. There was a time when I was convinced I wouldn’t marry because I was afraid I would change my mind or I wouldn’t be a good wife because of my bouts of depression. I didn’t want to hurt anyone especially someone I loved enough to spend my life with. Walking away has always seemed easier then watching someone you love be destroyed and knowing you’re the blame.
Last weekend before the wedding. I have a very unrealistic to-do list especially since its all done via Metro and bus. Should be interesting. One of my friends from work and I are going to get our hairs did. Then we need to get Jonahs wedding band, grooms men gifts, shop for a new dress for the rehearsal dinner, get my make-up done and buy it so I can do it myself, work on the favors, work on the photographers list, work on the music list, work on the videographer list, pick up some of the girlie stuff… Just not enough time.
The flower girl dress better be at my door when I get home. So I order this beautiful dress in the beginning of August on etsy.com. It was a little pricey. It wll be custom made. Very cute. I was told I would get it in the middle to September. Its now October 7th. I told her it better be in my hands on October 7th and she said it would be… so I guess we will see. The scary thing is that I went to her etsy site and its empty now. She use to have pages of dress and now it looks like shes out of business.
Can I just say, its been the attire that has been the toughest and suckest thing this whole wedding. I cant seem to catch a break here. Easiest thing, baby tuxes. Those boys are angels! They knew they needed to be easy for Aunt Megan. Love them.
So, whats in Megans future after the wedding? Good question. Im going to pick a country we are visiting on our honeymoon and spend a month learning about them at night after work. I will be purchasing the rosetta stones and receipes, books,visiting museums on the weekends. I might even try taking Piano lessons on Saturdays. Finish the kids scrapbooks! Making a home with cool craft ideas. More time with my babies!
I wont miss the excitement of the wedding because I will have lots and lots to keep entertained. Let me just say that all of this will happen after I sleep for 48 hours straight and a spa day. That will be the mini vacay.
How ‘bout the boy wonder you ask? He just got a new job that he is absolutely fascinated with and is working his way to the top. He’s working long hours and weekends so that he can climb fast. He will make good money to save for his production company and a nest egg for us. He is doing really well over there and Im ridiculously proud of him, even though I miss him tons and tons. This is something that makes him feel really good about himself and they love him over there (not as much as I do).
I have included a picture of part of my staff and myself. They surprised me with a Bridal pot luck. Very sweet. Im the one in the crazy veil/glasses/ and umbrella. Enjoy. I certainly did. Great staff. I love the for their big hearts.