Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Define "Horrible"...

Some of us have no idea what a “horrible” day looks like. The days that I describe as horrible are stressful. They generally include nasty and rude people, maybe family issues, deadlines that are silly or next to impossible, my neck so tight it feels like it could literally snap, situations that tragic- the worst day of someone’s life, and it usually ends in tears (mine, the clients, or my family). The day is followed by a glass of wine. Even if the day turns into a horrible week or month it always ends. No one has been injured, no one has died (thank God), and everyone is healthy (for the most part). Even on my horrible days I am blessed.

God reminded me a few days ago that, even though my situation currently is frustrating and my heart is hurting, it is a challenge and not a disaster. There is so much to be thankful for and so many blessing to count. Thinking negatively doesn’t solve anything.

There is a beautiful little princess named Kaitlyn who is fighting for each day of her life. Now, what they are going through is horrible. They have such a wonderful and positive prospective. Their faith is so strong. I’m praying for them just as much as I pray for us. Take a look at her blog:

I’m inspired. I’m thankful. I will act accordingly.


Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Serenity prayers

The serenity prayer, its so simple but so powerful.

The power of prayer is an amazing thing. His presence has meant everything to me.
Something I would have normally adored happened yesterday. Our company asked us for a list of our top 5 cities nationally and internationally for relocation possibilities. At first my list was adventurous and was made of dream locations. But then reality set in and I became scared. I have a responsibility to stay near my family. I need to be able to get to them, a drive away.

Being so far away from my family when we lived in New York was so difficult. I cried on the subway nearly every night on the way home from work for almost two months. My heart hurt so badly. I just wanted to love on the babies. My heart is so attached to my niece and nephews.

The heart is a crazy thing. It feels like nothing else in the whole world.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Lonely Games

Sometimes you’ll play lonely games too. Game you cant win ‘cause you’ll play against you.

Man, I don’t know how I am so calm these days but the lack of sleep finally threw me over the edge tonight. I knew it when I was hugging my husband and got weak to pass out. I truly am exhausted. Not tired but emotionally and physically at my limits.

I want to scream at the top of my lungs and tell the next person that looks at me strange to “get the hell off my back”. I find myself biting my tongue so I don’t hurt those I love, constantly reminding myself that my problems are mine and that I need not to make them anyone elses. I want to close myself off and drown myself in a chemical romance. I want a fight. But more than anything I just want to stay on my couch and feel sorry for myself, throw a pity party.

Everything I love is falling apart. The walls around me are falling down and I cant build them fast enough. I also cant pray enough or fast enough. Helplessness is something I hate more than anything.

So here I sit trying to find the right words, trying to keep this vague. If only I didn’t have to be so vague and I could say whats on my heart.
My husband is sick, he has a head cold plus he is stressed about his own stuff. Sadly I have been so self-involved in my own problems and consumed with my own stress that I have neglected his. I feel horribly selfish.

Things will get better. I don’t expect to win but I do expect to keep going. Now if only I can keep going forward and not backward that will be a remarkable achievement.