Thursday, March 15, 2012

Lonely Games

Sometimes you’ll play lonely games too. Game you cant win ‘cause you’ll play against you.

Man, I don’t know how I am so calm these days but the lack of sleep finally threw me over the edge tonight. I knew it when I was hugging my husband and got weak to pass out. I truly am exhausted. Not tired but emotionally and physically at my limits.

I want to scream at the top of my lungs and tell the next person that looks at me strange to “get the hell off my back”. I find myself biting my tongue so I don’t hurt those I love, constantly reminding myself that my problems are mine and that I need not to make them anyone elses. I want to close myself off and drown myself in a chemical romance. I want a fight. But more than anything I just want to stay on my couch and feel sorry for myself, throw a pity party.

Everything I love is falling apart. The walls around me are falling down and I cant build them fast enough. I also cant pray enough or fast enough. Helplessness is something I hate more than anything.

So here I sit trying to find the right words, trying to keep this vague. If only I didn’t have to be so vague and I could say whats on my heart.
My husband is sick, he has a head cold plus he is stressed about his own stuff. Sadly I have been so self-involved in my own problems and consumed with my own stress that I have neglected his. I feel horribly selfish.

Things will get better. I don’t expect to win but I do expect to keep going. Now if only I can keep going forward and not backward that will be a remarkable achievement.


1 comment:

  1. Girl, I have no idea what is going on right now, but please know I am praying for you! And if there is anything I can ever do, I'm here! Hang in there... we don't always get the answers for why we have to go through our trials, but you never have to go through them alone. :)