Sometimes you’ll play lonely games too. Game you cant win ‘cause you’ll play against you.
Man, I don’t know how I am so calm these days but the lack of sleep finally threw me over the edge tonight. I knew it when I was hugging my husband and got weak to pass out. I truly am exhausted. Not tired but emotionally and physically at my limits.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs and tell the next person that looks at me strange to “get the hell off my back”. I find myself biting my tongue so I don’t hurt those I love, constantly reminding myself that my problems are mine and that I need not to make them anyone elses. I want to close myself off and drown myself in a chemical romance. I want a fight. But more than anything I just want to stay on my couch and feel sorry for myself, throw a pity party.
Everything I love is falling apart. The walls around me are falling down and I cant build them fast enough. I also cant pray enough or fast enough. Helplessness is something I hate more than anything.
So here I sit trying to find the right words, trying to keep this vague. If only I didn’t have to be so vague and I could say whats on my heart.
My husband is sick, he has a head cold plus he is stressed about his own stuff. Sadly I have been so self-involved in my own problems and consumed with my own stress that I have neglected his. I feel horribly selfish.
Things will get better. I don’t expect to win but I do expect to keep going. Now if only I can keep going forward and not backward that will be a remarkable achievement.