Saturday, August 25, 2012

Return of Saturn

All I wanted was the simple things, a simple kind of life
I am going to argue that Return of Saturn is the best No Doubt album. Man, I have missed No Doubt for sure. I kind of stopped listening to them for a while because I found it impossible to heal a broken heart. All kinds of things can break your heart. "Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable" - Wizard of Oz I guess we could say I don't 'play' friends well. I keep incredibly busy for a lot of reasons, which we will get into in a moment, and I don't find time to be a constant in my friends lives. The formative friendships from childhood turned out nightmare-ish and therefore the importance of it failed to download in my brain. I love having a few close friends but I'm better at contacting each other periodically and catching up. Following each other on Facebook is also something I like. Weekly emails are fantastic. This is me. When I made time to call friends often I wasn't being honest about what was going on in my life. I didn't lie, I just chose not to talk about everything. Hell, when my high school sweetheart and I broke up after 4 years of dating I didn't tell my best friend (at the time) for 3 months. I didn't want to talk about it, I wanted to get past it. It was too raw to explore with someone else at that time. Crying in the closet and video games were my emotional outlets. Years of therapy, I haven't changed. I still refuse to air my dirty laundry with those closest to me. Skeletons in the closet. I like to keep a lot of me to myself. Big glacier here (hey, that would be a great scree name glacier-something-with-number-attached). I keep myself incredibly busy so that I don't have to deal with my emotions. I haven't had a bad life. Ive been amazingly blessed. I have had a handful of not-so-cool sucker punches. But really, who hasn't? Mine have just been the therapy type. Ive made a lot of mistakes. I have pushed a lot of good people away. I have kept unhealthy people around for longer than I wish to admit. I haven't paid close enough attention to myself or my heart. I have spent too much time in survival mode instead of life mode. I run from a lot of what I need. I dabble in potential emotional landmines.I am a workaholic. I hate drama but seem to seek out dramatic situations (not cause them but try to fix things around me but never me). I am my own worst enemy. I am taking a moment to rediscover myself now, at almost 30. Discovering yourself should be an ongoing process but I am forced to stop and listen now. Before the next stage of life I need to know how I feel, what I want, and how I plan to get there. You do everything the right way, according to the demands your parent put on you. You believe that this is what will provide the best life, the most successful life. But what is that? What does that look like? No one knows because its never been completely defined. Just some things I have been munching on. XoXo! M -Every time I click preview there are no paragraphs which I definitely put in. Urgh, oh well. You get the idea.

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