Lonely Games

Sometimes you’ll play lonely games too. Game you cant win ‘cause you’ll play against you.


Man, I don’t know how I am so calm these days but the lack of sleep finally threw me over the edge tonight. I knew it when I was hugging my husband and got weak to pass out. I truly am exhausted. Not tired but emotionally and physically at my limits.

I want to scream at the top of my lungs and tell the next person that looks at me strange to “get the hell off my back”. I find myself biting my tongue so I don’t hurt those I love, constantly reminding myself that my problems are mine and that I need not to make them anyone elses. I want to close myself off and drown myself in a chemical romance. I want a fight. But more than anything I just want to stay on my couch and feel sorry for myself, throw a pity party.

Everything I love is falling apart. The walls around me are falling down and I cant build them fast enough. I also cant pray enough or fast enough. Helplessness is something I hate more than anything.

So here I sit trying to find the right words, trying to keep this vague. If only I didn’t have to be so vague and I could say whats on my heart.
My husband is sick, he has a head cold plus he is stressed about his own stuff. Sadly I have been so self-involved in my own problems and consumed with my own stress that I have neglected his. I feel horribly selfish.

Things will get better. I don’t expect to win but I do expect to keep going. Now if only I can keep going forward and not backward that will be a remarkable achievement.

XoXo!
M

Tick Tock Tick Tock...

I awoke with babies on my mind. Baby names. Baby shower ideas. I guess its official, that clock is tick tick TICKING.

As I have mentioned before, we have decided to stop preventing pregnancy at the end of this year. To be honest I was pretty nervous about it because of all of the life changes a baby brings. But when that clock starts I guess the nervousness sort of fades away.

I will be 30 years old this year. I remember when my mom turned 30. I was old enough to remember her birthday and her decision to stay 29 instead of turn 30 and I am now that same age and live such a different life than she did.
Jonah tells me we need to start making more trips to see the kids because he knows how my mind works. Anything I like, I love. I’m never sorta into anything. Im either all about it or not interested. Lets pray that we wont have too much trouble conceiving and that God waits until we are BOTH ticking.

My fear is that my husband is so willing to please me that he will just do anything for me. I know that he does that and I don’t want having a baby to be one of those things. I want him to be as ready as he can be to be a Dad. I don’t want to pressure him into it so that’s why I will bring it up from time to time and never really go bananas about it. I want it to be a joint decision but if he sees that it’s all I think about than maybe he will just want to make me happy. For the record, I’m not to that level yet, just crossing my mind once or twice a day.

I’m very devoted to my career right now. I think that’s why the ticking went away originally. I really was pushing to get to the top of my game and to be well respected in my company. I’ve arrived. I have made it through my first busy season as a manager and did so with some unfortunate setbacks in my office. I am at the highest position I can get to with only the general manager, VP, and President above me. I’ve done a great job and I’ve done it all with a hell of a lot of hard work and sacrifice. I didn’t do it alone though, Thank God for Jonah. He has been incredibly supportive and patient with me, even when it wasn’t fair for him.

He is working hard at his career now and I want to give him the same respect. I want to be supportive and patient with him. I want to show him I am here for him. I don’t want to push him to do anything until he is at a point that he is satisfied. Not at the top, but happy with what he has accomplished. I think we all know his career is a lot tougher to break into than mine was. I fell into mine and then worked hard. His is hard work from start to finish.

Tomorrow we are going to meet with Long and Foster about buying a house. We will see what it’s going to take and if we are eligible to do it at this point. At least obtain some guidance so we know where to start. Im a little nervous. I really want to buy a house, we’re ready for a mortgage instead of this ridiculous rent, but I’m scared we won’t be eligible for a loan. I don’t know what it takes to get one. I guess we will find out tomorrow.

Did I mention that next week at this time we will be on our honeymoon!?! That’s right, we decided to nix the idea of that grand European one (we’ll do it later) and just get the hell out of here! See the European one would have taken a bit longer to save for, which is fine. But my fear is if we keep waiting we won’t honeymoon at all. I have heard that from lots of people who waited to do their honeymoon and they didn’t go. The main reason we waited was because my work schedule didn’t allow any more than the 4 days I ask off for the wedding during October. The blackout season is from September all the way to February which is why we planned for a honeymoon in February. We needed the break.

Jonah has never been on a cruise before and I am just so thrilled to share this experience with him. He is going to love it! I hope! If he doesn’t it will be a very long 7 days. We left my camera at my Dads so now we need to borrow or buy another. We’ll see. It’s going to be so nice to have him all to myself. I’m so excited for him I have already packed his suitcase, which he will have to repack with things he actually likes to wear.

Stay posted for the pix of the honeymoon.
XoXo!
M

Nightly night caps

I remember when I started college (wow, 11 years ago!?) and I was sitting in psychology class when my teacher, whose voice was entirely too therapeutic, asked ‘what’s the difference between someone who binge drinks every weekend to the point they black out and someone who insists they need a drink nightly to unwind from their stressful job?’. Well looking back perhaps she was being ironic. Generally, you start with the one and move on to the next. Which stage of life are you in? Night caps. Ah.
Yes, I am in night caps. Im not as conflicted as I was when sitting in that class. When I thought about the two I felt most bad for the person who needed the nightly drink because their job was so stressful. I thought how could that be? What kind of stress is that and what do you mean “unwind?” Well I certainly wouldn’t say that I “need” a drink nightly. But my job is very draining and I find myself laying in bed at night trying to find ways to increase morale- hell, “Morale” was my password at work for a while so that I wouldn’t forget the goal.

Its easy to sell a start up company to kids. You say things like, “they are open to new ideas and really listen to their people,” and “ You’re paving the way to something great!”. Sadly, young people and their lack of worldly beatings and the their beautiful dreams are easy to manipulate. Its not the goal it just turns out young people are the only ones crazy enough to take on this insane task for the amount of money I can pay. But, you get what you pay for.
A glass of wine does wonders for MY morale. I enjoy being able to sit back with my groom and sip a glass wine. We always make a toast and then I just get comfortable as our bedtime approaches. I stop thinking about the insulting things that have been said to me at work, or all the reports that aren’t as clean as I’d like, or how to approach an employee who needs discipline. I just enjoy my surroundings. On the weekends its not an issue.
Now is the time for me to endure the stress and night caps life. Focusing on career is normal for this period of my life. Or maybe Im just justifying my love for my night caps.
XoXo!
M
Let me just add, Ive had quite a night cap already...

Twenty Twelve, Im coming for YOU!

Welp, I know your dying to find out our thoughts on 2011 and our goals for 2012 (haha, thanks for humoring me).
Coming to you, a little after midnight, on January 1st 2012 is ME! Megan! Why am I not out at some dive bar with my husband listening to live music enjoying a low carb beer? Well because some irresponsible loon decided to leave their home while sick which in turn got me and my husband sick. I say this very light-heartedly because if you know me you know it KILLS me to call out sick. I attend work with the flu and use Lysol as perfume on those days. I just need to be “in the know” (that’s my way of avoiding admitting that Im a bit of a control freak). So anyway we are sick. When I say sick I mean disgusting.
Now, don’t think I just sat here on this incredibly comfortable couch all day! I tortured myself by heading to walmart, toys-r-us, and the Mall (Yes, I heard the shocking screams from you on that last one). That was after we took Jonah to his doctor to get more meds for his sinus infection that hasn’t left his side since Thanksgiving (at least its consistent). I tried to weasel my way into his doctor but they don’t take my insurance and I cant stomach paying $140 when I have a doctors appointment on Tuesday.
Yes, we did a bit of shopping today because we will be seeing family for a New Years party tonight. We shopped for two teenage girls and to be honest I loved it. The one loves Hot Topic and you all know how much I love that store! The other is a pre-teen. When she and I were watching TV we saw a commercial for a disgusting toy that makes edible “brains” and “snot” and nastiness! Very fun young ladies. I love those girls. So of course we had to run out and get their gifts! I put on a brave face, put on my big girl panties and got my shopping done. As cranky as I felt it will be worth the look on their face when they realize that someone besides their parents “know” them and listen to them. So important.
On a side note which is related to the last thought but not related to this blog post (welcome to my brain which has a ping pong ball bouncing from one idea to another), it makes me so sad when people that I work with or know personally notice my nose ring suddenly. They say, “when did you get your nose pierced?” in which I reply, “ about 5 years ago and yes I wear it daily”. Have you honestly never looked at me? I mean, I know Im no model but really? I work beside you and you have spoken to me a million times and you never really looked at me? Im invisible? Sad. Anyway… moving on to the point of this blog…
New Years! Well I decided that we will make a New Years tradition. It has something to do with a candle and symbolically lighting it. Im going to tell Jonah about it later. Haha! Poor guy. We made some lists. Things we wanted to forget about 2011 and things we wanted to remember. Then we made our personal goals for the new year and our relationship/ “we” goals.
To touch on what we wanted to remember, we had a decent year! We got married this year! We moved to DC (meaning we survived NYC), I got promoted, Jonah got a better job, we got to see our families more, better apartment, healthier life. Jonah and his production company had a film make it to the film festival, “White Rice”.
We had some tough spots too. There was a huge argument the night before the wedding. All the stress had finally got to “us”. We don’t argue much so for two people who don’t do it and aren’t good at it it was intense. Wasn’t sure how to tell all the out of towners it wasn’t going down but party on! Thank God we found our heads and felt our hearts. We both saw our companies for who they were and felt disrespected by them. I walked away from a friendship. Money was tight. Our families struggled financially this past year. The bridal shower fiasco (someday I will talk about that but today is not that day).
We had our typical goals; weigh tloss, read more, learn sign language, career goals, promotion goals, etc. The ones Im most excited about are; getting out more and making babies next holiday season.
We ended our night a beautiful toast (peach wine of course) among laughter, kisses, cuddles, and promises (you have my permission to vomit now).
To you, whoever you are, we sincerely wish you a very happy and healthy 2012! May you live the live you want and have the things you need. I pray for peace, health, and wealth to you and yours!
With Love,
XoXo,
M

Evolution

The last day of twenty eight. Running into the last year that I will be a twenty-something. I had a list of thirty things to do before 30 but I lost the list during one of 8 moves I made in the last 10 years. I know that I accomplished a few things on that list and there are some things that I doubt I will be able to do. But, I think I would like to make a few goals for this last year and see where I end up next year at this time.

If you haven’t gathered, I’m a goal maker. I’ve always been interested in making goals for myself. I believe you should always be working towards something to promote personal growth. The goal doesn’t have to be big, it can be something as simple as using better vocabulary words. But even the smallest of goals will push you each day. We weren’t put here to just survive.

This year I would like to learn sign language. This is something I have wanted to do for a long time. I’ve always thought it would be neat to know. You never know when it will come in handy and plus if Jonah learns it too we will have our own language since it’s not common among our friends and family.

I would also like to learn Bangla. My husband is Bengali and when we are around his family that is what they speak. When they speak to me they speak English but they speak Bangla all other times. So at the table or at parties I have no idea what their saying. It can be pretty lonely at times. I need to learn so I can participate. Also I will be able to teach my children Bangla.

I would like to continue to lose weight. Next year at this time I would like to be down 50 lbs. Health is so important and I believe that my chances of staying healthy will increase dramatically if I can shed the extra weight. This will also help with one of my goals in my thirties which will be to have a baby.

I would like to take a class for credit to further my education. This probably won’t happen until the end of the year due to financial resources but it will be a goal of mine that I hope to say I’m closer to accomplishing next year at this time.

Last but not least, we need to start saving money. This is a big one. We are in a tight situation which doesn’t allow any money to be put away. Even before our current situation money was tight. We need to be able to save at least three months salaries, just in case. If we had an opportunity to do this before than we wouldn’t be so worried right now. Things are going to get worse before they get better. The economy has not been the kindest to most and we are included in this. Save money. I don’t know how we will do this one. All other goals have been easier to accomplish. This might include me taking a weekend job for a while. Nights aren’t possible for me, I get out so late. If I could do the weekend thing for about 6 months I think we would have a good start.

I’m really not sure how we will pull off our honeymoon at this point. I’ve heard of people who plan it later and never go. I don’t want that to be us but with money the way it is, it’s not looking promising. The money we got for our wedding had to go towards bills unfortunately. Maybe we will have to downscale our honeymoon. Whatever we do will be great, we just want to vacation together, alone.

Now that you see I have a lot to work towards, help me. Make sure you encourage me and remind me what I need to do to accomplish my goals. Once I post this I will have put it out into the world and I will owe it to myself, and you, to work my hardest.

They're sick and our hearts are breaking

There is no gift more precious than a baby. We had three this weekend. However when they are sick its hard to really enjoy the incredible moments.

At first it was just the boys with their ear infections. Ear infections are very common in our family. When Eddie and I were kids we consistently got them after our colds. Even today I get them and have no idea I have them. I sometimes will go in for a physical and when they look in my ears, after making the usual comment about all the scar tissue, they will tell me that I have one and does it hurt. Sometimes I have no idea. However the really bad ones, well let’s just say those are the days I beg God to take me early.

The tough part is babies cant communicate the pain like kids can. Kayla coughed and told me it hurts when she coughs. Okay, shes sick and now I know what to do to help her. The boys, well they are too little to tell me and obviously they are holding their ears because they are infected. But its tough with sick babies.

Kayla woke up last night crying and crying. When I picked her up to cuddle her, I thought she had a bad dream, she was hot to the touch. Kayla was not warm but hot. Even her little piggies (toes) were hot. We took her tempature and she was running 102.2. Ouch. Its 3am and we have one sick little princess on our hands. So Uncle Jonah ran to the 24 hour pharmacy on the corner, thank God, and got her some Pedia Care. They were out of baby Tylenol. Seriously? OUT??? Anyway, it worked. I cuddled her to sleep and held her tight as she slept it off.

The boys had fevers throughout the day but they had prescribed meds for their infections. They wanted to be cuddled and loved the entire time, which I loved. But my heart broke for the little guys. They just weren’t feelin’ it. We should have had them stay home this weekend. They should have been resting. I guess we all didn’t know they would get worse this weekend. Lesson learned. It felt nice to love them when they were sick and it hurt too. Im exhausted and my head did not stop pounding.

Jonah quit his job. Turns out it was a form of pyramid scheme. Why can’t people be more honest? Why can’t they just come clean and say hey this is what it is, if you wanna be a part of it let me know, if not there’s the door. At that time, before wasting all of his time and not getting paid for it he could have made his grand exit. So, back to the drawing board for my artist. We are really hoping he will find something in his field, broadcast, film, writing,music, entertainment. What a tough field, eh?

Overall a rewarding and exhausting weekend. No sure how Beth, Ed, and Daddy-O do it. Hard job to love so much and run after them. Miss them already and praying that they will get better before Thanksgiving when we see them again.
XoXo!
M
p.s. So, you know how Jonahs middle name is Scissors? Maybe I should change mine to “Rock” that way I can win every argument by default. Your thoughts? I can do it Friday when I go get my name legally changed. Haha (It’s a joke… unless we are arguing that day and then it will happen)

Watch out Hollywood...

Nebraska called me the other day and asked that Jonah rock my world a little more gently, their feelin’ quakes. (My attempts at a goofy bad joke). I am very proud of my husband. He is doing such a fantastic job in his new job. Even though im not a huge fan of his new job, for a lot of reasons, he is doing a great job there. He works very hard for us and I really appreciate it. Not only that but a film he wrote the soundtrack for made it into a film festival, “White Rice”. He is so very talented and Im very blessed to be a part of his life.

We went to the screening this weekend in NYC. We had a really nice time. It was in the Tribeca Theatre and the showing was at 4:20pm. We took the bus, per usual, but this time there was no inappropriate groping, at least not by a stranger. My husband on the other hand can always be counted on to sneak a grab when he gets a chance.

The viewing was great. There were several friends that showed up for support. There were several short films shown at the same time. Ben said a few things at the end giving Jonah a shout out which was cool. It was nice. There was a cool lounge at the Cinema that we hung out in afterward and then off to Chinatown for dinner for some white rice. Fitting right? We didn’t stay the night because it was just too expensive being that the NYC marathon was this weekend.

So its official, the darn clock is ticking, ever so lightly. I have been having dreams about having a baby or holding a baby or having a sleeping baby in my arm. We are hoping to wait a few years before jumping into the big responsibility. I really think a decision like that needs to be taken seriously. Life will never be same again. You will never be able to just get up and go or sleep in on the weekends.

There is a whole new definition of “clean” for your home. We clean our house but with a baby around clean is sterile. Boiling bottles and making baby food. Eating differently for the breastfeeding. Free time will be different. Drinking too much isn’t okay when you have the responsibilities of the baby. There is a girl in the news now who has no idea what happened with her child because she drank too much. Its considered abuse. You wont be able to do this for a really long time. Not that drinking means that much to me. Ha! But its something that I do now that will need to change.

Bringing a baby in to your home is big and should not be gone into lightly. Now if God blesses us with a baby before we planned we will be thrilled to pieces! I believe every new parent should be required to take parenting classes before being able to take the baby home and take a test showing that you paid attention. Why? Because its not always a natural instinct like they say it is. There are things that you are told by friends and family that is incorrect. Bad advice. Your family deserves better than that. Being informed is key. Any parent that says they don’t need it is crazy. Whats the harm in being informed?

I have made some goals for myself before we start trying. I want to be at a healthy weight to carry a baby. I want to develop a healthy diet plan as well so that the baby gets all the nutrients it needs to develop. I want to take a few child development classes. I have taken a lot in college but it will be good to review and learn more. I want to take another big trip besides our honeymoon. I don’t know where yet but somewhere romantic and adventurous. I want to buy a home. We have a two bedroom now but I would like at least a 3 bedroom. I want to develop a nice little nest egg, want to be comfortable.

Its very possible none of the goals I have set will happen and we could have a surprise next month! Haha! But Im a list and goal maker. I would like to develop myself and us before bringing in a child. So until then I will continue to take the babies (Kayla, Landon, and Luke) and learn as much as I can from them. I take this seriously because if you mess up raising your children you cant take it back. That child will one day be an adult and that will be their past. They will one day be a parent and they will raise their child with their childhood in mind. Its so very important. Raising your children is most important job in the whole world.

Anway, its Sunday and we both have to work. Kinda stinks. But money is tight now so I cant imagine not having a job so I will work whatever day I need to so I can keep up with my work load.
XoXo!
M